Holding people accountable to agreements they have not made - by punishing them for not being aware of your preferences - is just one aspect of unclean relating. It is also fundamentally unjust.
How do they punish? By withdrawal and withholding.
Intimacy, connection, love, all those things. The things you are there to experience with them.
Sometimes they dress it up as "making sure you understand the impact". Oh, I understand. I understand what they are doing and I see the control game they are attempting to play.
And the degree of attachment and emotional enmeshment one has and external validation one seeks is the degree to which one will be controlled by these gimmicks.
Play a higher game. If your partner will not join you in that cleaner, higher game - will not co-create it with you - choose a new board to play on.
We do not hold each other accountable to agreements we have not made
What does this mean? How does this occur? What are the indicators?
We’ve all done this. We’ve all had this done to us. Some more recently than others.
The word “should” is one huge indicator, and all-too-often we punish the ignorant - and for what? For not reading our minds? Fro simply being themselves? Sarcasm aside: how do we punish them?
Most often by withholding intimacy and connection - while blaming them for that very choice we just made. It’s not pretty.
While there is something to be said for having an overlap in world-views and values as a natural fit, I have known people who grew up in the same small town, went to the same church, and still had different ideas, standards, opinions, and rules about how a relationship, a partnership, or marriage should operate in the day-to-day. While you may begin to intuit your partner's needs and desires, this only comes from a process of educating one another about our preferences.
No “they should have known” or “shoulds” in general. Not in Evolutionary Relating.
As an Evolutionary, we understand the difference between an agreement - or rule that we have both agreed to - an expectation, which is usually an unstated desire, and a standard, and/or a boundary.
To fully understand - and therefore be able to agree to - the 2nd agreement, let’s distinguish the difference among those four.
First, if you are upset by something they did or did not do, ask yourself, “do we have an explicit agreement about this”? If the answer is no, then you can skip to Agreement 3 and decide if you want to make a request around this particular thing or not. If so, and if they agree - it then essentially binds both of you to a new agreement.
Bear in mind that the more rules you have in your relationships the less freedom of expression both parties will have and the more attention you have to have on those rules and agreements. And the truth is - if you are looking to bind someone to an agreement to limit their behavior in some way because you are uncomfortable with how they are - when no real harm is being done by their behavior - but you want to control them or you fear something happening - then you are trading self-expression and spontaneity (read: fun) for stability and safety. And there is a place you are not free emotionally if you want to control or constrict them in some way.
There is nothing wrong with that - just be aware that is what you are doing - and look deeper for the work you can do to allow yourself more freedom there, which will, in turn, give others the freedom to be.
But even if it hasn’t been communicated we still can’t hold that person accountable. If it has been communicated and the person agrees then it’s a new agreement And they can be held accountable.
But in terms of holding someone accountable to an agreement they have not made - it occurs all the time. So if you do not have an explicit agreement around something and you find yourself cutting them off or punishing them in some way - be it punitive or by simply withholding connection - you can reconnect again and take care of your own needs by simply making a request - and they then do not have to guess what your needs are, you are taken care of, and you can get back to connection and love - which hopefully is the primary purpose of your relating.
If you want to "make them pay", or are extracting a pound of flesh, or withholding connection so they “feel the impact”, there is a much better way.
And really, would you rather be righteous and indignant ... or be in connection and in love?
This is an excerpt from Jason's forthcoming book on Evolutionary Relationships from the #RelationshipGenesis section.
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