This is an excerpt from the forthcoming book #EvolutionaryRelationships:
If you are fighting, you should probably be fucking.
If you are a man in a hetero-normative relationship here is an inside tip: if you find yourself say “WTF?” because your woman is picking strange fights over little things, she’s not well-fucked. She may not even be aware that the static and tension in her body is her need to run sexual energy - and it needs to be about her pleasure, not yours.
The more feminine she is on the spectrum - from masculine to feminine - the more accurate this will be.
First, context is important as is the sequence. And there are a few dos and don’ts.
If you find yourself in conflict over something you consider silly - like you keep dropping your dirty underwear or socks wherever you please - the worst thing you can do is say: “you just need a good fucking” as a retort. This will lead to a bigger fight. Don’t be an asshole and … be an adult: pick up your own socks. Put your dirty underwear in the washer or the hamper or wherever it is you need to.
Pick up after yourself.
Don’t expect her to take care of you in any way - in fact, leave everything a little cleaner than you found it in the kitchen and the bathroom. She will be grateful and she should not have to pick up after you.
The healthiest relating is one where two autonomous yet complementary adults come together to create more than two.
Relationships are a quantum affair; 1+1 does not equal 2. It either equals less than 2 (conflict) or it equals more than 2 (synergy). And the degree of turnon and sexual desire in the relationship is a good sign of the degree of health and vitality in the relating.
Think about it: it is the unstated, the secrets, the unexpressed, and the built-up negative patterns and residue that get in the way of your desire for each other. This is why when you get all that stuff out of the way, connection and desire are restored or return to your dynamic.
But, let’s take the socks.
Pick them up. Take responsibility. Thank her for expressing her frustrations - this will encourage her to tell you the truth more. Ask her if there is anything else that she is frustrated with that you do.
Hear the feedback and get it handled.
Then wait a bit.
Maybe 10 minutes. Maybe 10 hours. Depending on your dynamics. Then put some attention on her. Acknowledge how beautiful (or courageous or brilliant or … how much she excites you because of the way she embodies her femininity … something you authentically appreciate about her).
Whatever your way in, make love to her in a way that shows your enthusiasm for her, your desire for her, and focus on her pleasure first. Believe me, if you are focused on her pleasure, she will be more hungry and grateful for you than you could ever hope - and this is doubly true if you are good at playing her body like the heavenly instrument that it is.
As we have already talked about, getting good at sex - which takes communication, knowledge of physiology, and shame-free space, curiosity, and openness to explore the other’s body and desires - is critical for the long-term health and vitality of your relating, and as stated above, desire is a good barometer of the health and vitality - and the amount of truth being told and the amount of intimacy and safety - in a relationship.
AND … if you are a man in a hetero-normative relationship, sometimes your woman needs to get fucked until her eyes cross.
If you know how to hit her spots, you’ll find that you can occasionally toss your socks in the kitchen sink and she may just shrug it off because she’ll still be blushing/flushing from thinking about how you ravaged her and gave her otherworldly pleasure just a few hours ago.
The unevolved / pre-rational version of the dynamic is this: you can get away with a lot if you are fucking her well.
How many women know that if he is being a mild jerk or is irritated by you, you can kiss him to shut him up? And if you kiss him well - or kiss him fully and passionately or gently and fully enough - he may even forget what he was annoyed by?
If you didn’t know … you do now.
Returning to the idea that she may not even be aware of her needs in her body and speaking of autonomy, am I saying to tell her what she needs? No. I am not. And if you are a woman reading this, that is not what I am suggesting. What would be best is if she/you were self-aware enough to express your needs - either attention or connection or love-making - or simply to have him go down on you - or to help you with a thing you are anxious about.
Notice the tension in your body and ask for what you need.
But as a man - know that she will be smoothed out if you are handling her sexual needs and desires well.
Now let’s explore the communication tool I call “From Conflict to Connection”.
This is a communication structure you will want to add to your agreements when you are engaged in #RelationshipGenesis. You could also consider it a subset and an expansion of Agreement #3: