Four Agreements for Healthy Relationships | From Chance to Wisdom; From Conflict to Connection

The Four Agreements

From Chance to Wisdom. From Conflict to Connection.

In my experience, there are four agreements that are necessary as foundations for any healthy relationship regardless of the context. Meaning it doesn't matter if it's professional if it's friendly, or if it's sexual/intimate.

In fact the more intimate it is the more important I think these agreements are, but unfortunately - and paradoxically - the less likely someone is to actually be willing to have this conversation. I think that's for many reasons, most of them self-esteem issues are at their source. 

Let me explain: If we are attached to the hope that someone will like us to the degree that it becomes a need and therefore induces fear in ourselves, and we have scarcity around whether or not we will actually find somebody who is a fit, or whether or not we can find someone else if a relationship does not work out, we have a tendency to overlook things that we know are important to take care of because if the person doesn't like us then we may take that personally if it's the case of a self-esteem issue, or we don't want to set up any barriers to them liking us or connecting with us.

But in doing so, we skip over critical foundational steps - and virtually assure we end up with someone who is not a fit or find ourselves in a conflict without the agreement reality as to how we find our way out of it and get back into connection.

So we ignore wisdom in favor of the immediacy of connection. At its worst, of course, this borders on codependency and external validation and that a path that if you continue down that road leads to frustration, heartache, and worse.

However if we have an abundance mindset that there are plenty of people out there who might be a fit for us - and fit is more important than not being alone - and we understand that it's easier to find somebody who's a fit that it is to deal with the frustration and challenges and eventual heartbreak of someone who is not a fit, and we are internally validated in terms of our esteem for ourselves, then we choose wisdom over chance or … worse: predictably negative results.

The Agreements

Four Foundational Agreements For Healthy Relating

1. We tell the truth and we hear the truth and we value truth over comfort
2. We do not hold anyone accountable to agreements they have not made
3. If we are upset, we make a request (for a new agreement)
4. We accept that we are responsible for our own experience and our own emotions.
   1. Make no assumptions
   2. Don’t make anything up

Agreement 1:  Truth Over Comfort

The first agreement is that we tell the truth and we hear the truth and we value truth over comfort. 

The “comfort” might be our own, or it may be the comfort of others.

If we are afraid to say it, or afraid that somebody can’t hear it or might take it personally, that’s probably the very thing that should be said - and the longer we delay the telling of that truth, the bigger it becomes in our mind and the worse it will be when we tell them - for the relating, for our internal anxiousness around sharing it, and for them when they find out how long we delayed. Telling the truth brings relief for all without delay. There may be broken agreements to clean up - something we will address later on in this book, but that aside, telling the truth should increase intimacy and connection. Hearing the truth - if done openly and spaciously - always will.

This is not an excuse to be a jerk.

There is a popular theme in some circles where someone is a jerk (that is a technical term) and they finish it off with “I am just speaking my truth”.

That is not in alignment with the spirit of this rule - because most often “speaking your truth”  is just being self-indulgent. The spirit of this rule is to increase intimacy.

We want to tell the truth with skillful means - meaning in a way that honors both ourselves, in a way the other person is best able to receive it, as well as caring for the relating or the relationship - the 3rd entity that is created by the synergy of the two of you.

Relationships begin to die in the unsaid.

Telling the truth and hearing the truth are - at the very least - different sets of capacities. That can not be overstated. And as I have said, communication skills are physical skills that take practice - and these component skills definitely take a lot of practice.

Telling the truth takes courage. Hearing the truth takes openness. And the list goes on and on - in both columns.

But imagine telling the truth about something - something you are scared to share about yourself - and having your partner thank you, express gratitude for trusting them to share it with them, and acknowledge you for the courage that it took and to express that they trust you even more now - and to do it without judgment - with love and acceptance. 

Imagine how much closer you will feel. How that thing is no longer in your mind inhibiting your connection and your openness.

Your partner just heard the truth effectively and you telling the truth has just effectively increased your intimacy and connection.

Now, let’s lay out how this typically goes in an average relationship:

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This is another excerpt from the forthcoming book #EvolutionaryRelationships from the section titled #RelationshipsGenesis